Anger

Holding back the words until your jaw hurts
Keeping in the anger 'til your head hurts
Put on your happy face
Play nice now
Try to keep the mask in place
Deal with the situation
You have to keep the rage in
Your hands shake
With the effort to stay calm
You don't feel safe to be around
But where else can you go?
Take a step back
Pulse ticking in your head like a timer
But how do you diffuse a bomb with no wires?
Keep it together on the outside
Hide the damage
You're struggling not to scream
Trying just to breathe
But the air won't come
Something has to change

Old poetry

So...looking though some really old stuff I found this poem I wrote. I also realized that I'd never posted it here. So here it is...

*TWIST*

Here it comes again
I sit back eyes closed
Welcoming the pain
I see your face and twist the knife

The smiling times remembered
A sadness aches
The stabbing pain of my decisions
I hear your voice and twist the knife

Questions crowd my mind
Was I wrong or was I right?
Words I long to say and never can
I love you still and twist the knife

Remember

sepia toned memories
play through my mind
like old photographs
faded and fragile

moments of brilliant light
flashing bright and brief
behind my eyes
before fading slowly away

the autumn tones of twilight
bleed like paint
into the colors of darkness
navy black and white

moonlight stripes of silver
illuminate the shadows
fleeting thoughts
as the past becomes a dream

What's Mine is Mine

Nothing ever stays the same
Life goes on and feelings change
Through the grey and shifting tides
One truth remains: what's mine is mine

People that are so important
Friends and lovers near or absent
Distances of space and time
Near or far, what's mine is mine

Hold tight to all the things you cherish
Pictures fade and objects vanish
In the heart and in the mind
Both joy and pain, what's mine is mine

Very Brief Rant

When one is going to be left in charge of something for an extended period of time, isn't it best to make sure they know how to fix things before you go on vacation? Just saying.

Chickens

OK...

So I've been having this recurring dream and I figured I would share the weirdness with all of you. Isn't that nice of me?

So in this dream I'm trying to put chickens back in their cages. The only problem is that none of the cages have any doors on them, so the chickens don't stay. Also, when I *do* get the chickens in the cages, I go back out into the yard and there are MORE CHICKENS!

To make things more frustrating, my husband is sitting somewhere off to the side telling me I need to hurry because we have to go do this important thing.

And then there's the cat. I'm not sure where it comes from, but it's this absolutely huge black cat and he's hungry. He's also always in the last cage that I put a chicken in.

I have had this dream for four nights in a row. Make of it what you will. I'm going to go write my last two papers for English, clean the house, and get ready for work.

What am I doing here? aka Going Back to School

Today I had a very surreal experience. Today, I went through college orientation. Now, this may sound very commonplace to you. Every person who ever goes to college goes through college orientation. I should explain then, why it was strange to me.

First off, I start my day by running mostly typical errands. I go to the library and the post office. I have two of my kids with me. Traffic’s a bear. There is construction on almost every road I try to go down. I have one unique thing to do: I need to pick up paperwork for my son to finish enrolling him in preschool. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I’m going to have two kids in school this fall.

After that, I come home to my husband and baby and the kids he watches during the day. Things should be fairly normal from here, right? Not really. At this point I am told that I need to call my boss about a customer issue. Which is odd because it’s my day off. After a lengthy discussion with my boss about a delicate situation concerning a very easily confused and confusing customer he tells me that he needs me to be the one and only person to deal with this customer to make sure things get done right. It’s both high praise and also a little intimidating. I mean, who am I in the grand scheme of things here? I’m just a retail associate.

Right then. Off the phone and getting ready to rush out again. Lunch is a bowl of mac & cheese with ham and a quick cup of coffee (yes, that’s typical). I find a dressy shirt, and comfy jeans. A bit incongruous, at least for me when you consider I normally go for completely comfy or completely dressy, but today I’m getting an ID picture taken and doing a lot of walking. Out the door and back again…I just keep forgetting stuff. I need my wallet, I need cash, oh crap! Where’s my paperwork? I’m getting nervous now. Kiss the kids, breathe deep, and off I go!

So I get to campus. I follow the signs. It’s very handy that they have people directing me where to go. It’s also very disconcerting that they all look so very young. I find the orientation room and it’s full of high school students. Apart from the parents of the incoming students, I am the oldest person in the room. We go through a brief bit about what to expect as incoming students. I’ve been through this part before “college is about gaining your independence” *insert Charlie Brown’s teacher here. Then there’s the video message from the new president of the school. Dr. Ender. I had a very hard time not breaking in to hysterical laughter. I think I may have been the only person to make the connection.

During the course of the next five hours we are marched at a fairly brisk pace through the campus while an uninterested second year student points out the main buildings and tells us how we can log on to our student accounts and sign up for classes. I’ve already done this. One of the other mostly uninterested second year students seems mildly impressed that I’ve already logged in to the student center, signed up for classes, and even linked the college student feed to my facebook page. I, on the other hand, am mildly disappointed that this is something to get impressed about. I come to the realization that this bit of the orientation is truly for the beginning college student. The honest to goodness, fresh out of high school, still needs parental advice, directionless, here to find himself (or herself), teenager. It makes me feel a bit better.

At the end of all of this, we are sent to see an academic advisor. I’ve already seen an academic advisor. I sort of jumped the gun on that one because I wanted to make sure I was enrolling in the right classes to transfer for my degree. Still though, it’s part of orientation so I go. A very nice lady about my age is my given advisor. We sit down, she looks at her computer screen and the papers in her hand, which happen to be my high school and college transcripts and my ACT scores. She sets the college transcripts aside and smiles at me. “You’re the brilliant one” she says. I’m thinking, “Are you sure you got the right person here lady?” But what I say is “I was, in high school, but that was years ago.” She looks at my transcripts and smiles again. “I think you still are.” We talk a bit about my goals and just about things in general. We lose track of time. I have to run to catch up to the rest of the group. Once again, I’m the oldest person in the room, only now, instead of thinking, “Am I sure I want to do this?” all I can hear is “You’re the brilliant one.”

I think I’m going to be ok.